COLUMN:

by Tom Merrill, Ph.D. and Bobbie Sandoz-Merrill, MSW

How to keep partnership as part of a relationship

Dear Tom & Bobbie

After reading your column, I asked myself what would settling for more be for me? There are many things I would like, but most of all I want to feel close and connected and as though we are partnered up.

But he is always going off golfing with his buddies. And when he’s home, he’s watching TV or doing something that does not include me. I’ve developed a life of my own as well, but I would like to have the kind of relationship you describe.

How do I get from where we are to where I want to be?

Tom says: Thank you for your letter and the opportunity to address an issue that we hear about all too often.

The prevalence in relationships of the situation you describe suggests that there are many out there who really do not have the hang of what it is like to be in a successful relationship. They have the hang of doing what they like, but not what they need to do to keep the partner they like and want.

I am assuming you have made it clear how much happier you would be if your me-centered partner wanted to be with you before the lights go out at night. If you have not, then this is the place to start. If after he has heard you, he continues to think that marriage is a solo sport, getting to where you want to be can be difficult ... but not impossible.

The question really is will you want to get there with this person or someone else? And he needs to know this. And you want to ask yourself, why you would want to be with a person who treats you as if you are optional?

There are usually some very apparent reasons why others in situations such as yours hang in there; they hope that it will change; they stay for the children; they “love” the person; they fear being single, etc. There are also some not so apparent reasons that some self-exploration might help you to understand. Whatever the reasons, once you get clear on what they are you can begin to see whether it is realistic to think that things will change.

If the reasons are legitimate and not just excuses for no change, then terrific. If not, realize that you can’t get there from here and make a choice: Stay in it and build a life that gives you what you want or get out and build a life that gives you what you want. Either way, Mr. It’s-all-about-me will not be a part of the equation.

This means, no more scolding, no more pleading, no more punishing. It means being the best person you can be in the social environment of your choice.

We have found that when a person does this, remarkable changes often occur in their partner and the relationship. Don’t do it hoping for or demanding change. Do it because your life will improve.

If the changes come about, be thankful and make a conscious decision, a choice, to either include Mr.-work-in-progress in your life or not. Because it is a work in progress and will require mindful attention on both your parts to ensure you are off the settle-for-less path and on your way to the Settle for More relationship you say you want.

Bobbie says: Your surprisingly common question reflects how partners feel once they realize they are in disconnected relationships. Although it is not always gender specific, it is more often the woman who first notices the disconnection as a result of feeling ignored and excluded as you describe.

Yet, whether she notices this on the way to the reception or during the years that follow, women tend to have an ineffective response. They fuss and stay. Some persistently register mild complaints while others become shrew-like and ugly or pathetic as they beg for love.

This fussing, yet staying, eventually robs them of their youth and beauty, while inadvertently reinforces their partners’ belief that they are “getting away” with aloofness. It is this dynamic between couples that “normalizes” the unloving partnerships so common in our culture that psychologists teach us to settle-for-less as a way to accommodate to it.

In the midst of this prevalent couples dance something equally damaging is also happening. The detached men are inadvertently teaching their wives to “manage without them.” As this lesson sinks in, women join men in finding ways to fulfill their lives separately, which results in a cultural landscape of segregated groups of men and women hanging out with each other, often “disparaging” their partners to their buddies.

Because this does not inspire a connection between the couple, the opportunity for shared experiences and deepening closeness are missed, and the women are usually the first to feel the pain of this lost opportunity. Then at some point, the lesson of how to “manage without their partner” fully takes hold, and they are ready to stop complaining and move on.

Often their partners realize they didn’t want them to do without them to that extent, but it’s usually too late. Too much time filled with too many bruises to her heart has transpired, and she keeps going.

The real tragedy of this cultural pattern lies in more than 50 percent of marriages breaking up, often after years wasted in disconnected pain, while about 90 percent of those who stick it out live without the closeness they once dreamed of enjoying.

My suggestion to you and other ignored women is to short-circuit this cultural pattern by clearly registering your complaint in a “high level” manner, and if your partner wants to stick with it, not to reinforce him by staying.

If he sees at the outset that you are serious enough to claim a more appropriate partner, this offers both of you a chance to break out of our cultural “norm” of “less” and replace it with protecting the closeness you first felt for one another. Not only will this change in the culture of couples allow us to Settle for More in our homes but in the world as well.

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Alzheimer’s Patients Often Unfaithful

Alzheimer’s patients tend to embark on new romantic relationships—because they suffer memory loss and tend to live for the moment. ‘If the marital relationship was a happy one, this can be extraordinarily hurtful and the family can react with sadness and pain,’ according to Dr. Rubin Dessel, head of memory-care services at the Hebrew Home care facility in New York.

‘An Alzheimer patient who embarks on a new relationship is not truly cheating on their marriage,’ Dessel added. ‘These relationships are not based on adultery or betrayal. Alzheimer’s patients lose so much of their past and very often have no memory or recall of anything of their lives, apart from their day-to-day experience.

‘They live in the moment without the luxury of their past lives.’

Peter Reed, director of programs at the Alzheimer’s Association, agreed that it was difficult to estimate how common the phenomenon was, but explained how it might come about.

‘Alzheimer’s is a progressive disease that affects the memory. Sufferers can forget familiar people, and live in the moment,’ he said. ‘But people with dementia still need social connections, still need to interact and have meaningful relationships.’

Relationships between Alzheimer sufferers can take the form of an almost child-like romance where the couple simply holds hands. But sexual relations are not unheard of.

‘Sex? People certainly develop new relationships and they can take a variety of different forms,’ said Reed. ‘They are not children despite having a memory problem.’

Dessel agrees that while hand-holding is one demonstration of caring and camaraderie and intimacy, it may well extend to something more physical’ ‘I can’t quantify how often this type of situation occurs,’ she says, ‘but it will continue to occur in greater number as the years go by, and particularly with baby boomers coming into long-term care settings.’

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