DEPARTMENT:

by Tom Merrill, Ph.D. and Bobbie Sandoz Merrill, MSW

Broken Resolutions, Broken Hearts

Dear Tom and Bobbie:
I hear it every January: ‘It’s no use making resolutions. You will have them all broken by the end of the month!’ My husband and I always make resolutions to guide us through the year. We have been going through a rough couple of years and this year he resolved to follow the advice in your column that I have been reading to him. I thought he meant it and things would be different. It took about two weeks and he was back to his old ways; in a bad mood all of the time, being nasty and bossy, going off and doing things without me. I am trying to follow your advice and be my ‘best self’ but it is really hard. I don’t see how you can ask someone to do this forever. What can I do?

Tom Says: You are asking the same question many of our clients ask. When someone like yourself decides to be their ‘best self’...all of the time...and to stop doing the things that have contributed to the relationship difficulties, their expectation is that their partner will match their good behavior and all will be well.

Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t. But as Bobbie likes to point out, whenever two are throwing pebbles into a pond, you never know whose pebble is causing the ripples. If you stop throwing yours and the ripples continue it will be clear that you are not the one causing whatever ripples remain. At that point you have a choice. Continue in the relationship or not.

That is your decision to make. But whatever the decision, it raises a much larger issue and that is: How do you want to spend the resources you have been given? While we rarely think of it this way, our lives—including our time, our talents, our bodies, our health and our other resources—offer us the luxury to do with them as we wish...we can use them consciously and judiciously with purpose, or we can squander them.

Without fail, when we work with couples whose relationships sound similar to the one you describe, we find they have been squandering a number of their resources. For example, arguing for the sake of arguing, blaming and disrespecting each other, excluding and withdrawing from your partner, carping and fussing at him or her to get them to do what you want them to do or be the person you want them to be; these are all signs of squandering. They waste emotional, physical and spiritual resources with no positive outcome.

So, back to your question, ‘What can I do?’ If you truly are your ‘best self’ all of the time with your partner and he continues to be a twerp, then you need to take an inventory of your ‘resources’ and see if you want to ‘spend them consciously and judiciously with purpose or squander them.’ Your answer will show you what you need to do.

If you decide to stay, then yes, I would suggest you continue to always be the person you want to be...loving, kind and honoring. That doesn’t mean getting walked on and pushed over by his twerpy behaviors. It means you ignore them…and him. In short, don’t squander your resources.

If you decide to leave, then again I would suggest you continue to always be the person you want to be and invest your resources in a relationship with someone who wants what you want. That’s a resolution that will clearly lead to Settling for More. Good Luck.

Bobbie Says: The thought of being nice even when your partner is not being kind is a challenging concept. And the idea of doing it indefinitely becomes even more taxing when your partner is not meeting you half way. Yet, behaving in this way is your best assurance of not squandering the best person you have within yourself and guarantees that you will enjoy the pleasure of that best self at all times.

In addition, choosing to be your best no matter how your partner behaves offers you the most efficient test for determining if your partner has it in him to be his best self once you have removed the things you do to provoke the worst he has to offer. The good news is that you may discover under these new conditions that he rather quickly returns to being as wonderful as when you first met…and by your willingness to take this first step onto higher ground, you instantly stop squandering your own precious life and bring him along in the process. However, if he is not able to be kind, even when you are being wonderful, you will soon notice his own determination to continue to squander his own possibilities, and you will have some decisions to make.

The notion of squandering your time or your talents, your intellect, your health, your money or your possibilities for happiness and making a contribution to the lives around you is a very big concept. It’s an idea Tommy awakened with one morning…and as we discussed and explored it, we realized that neither of us wants to squander one more moment of what remains of our precious lives on things like squabbling or any other forms of unpleasantness. Nor do we want to squander any of the special gifts and talents we are blessed to have been given and have become devoted to the joy of using them.

As we considered the depth of this concept we realized how much we want to spend all of our remaining time cashing in on all the wonderful experiences available to us. With this in mind, we have become even clearer than we were when we wrote Settle for More just how precious every moment of a human life is and how committed we are to by-pass all squandering of it by being our best on a moment-to-moment basis. By viewing our lives this way, we are no longer comfortable with being the generator of a bad moment between us or with others, no matter what that person may be doing.

But to do this, we have to understand that each moment not spent well is in fact squandered. We also realize that the only way to succeed in this goal is to abandon focusing only on what is best for us…and to consider instead how to be our best. Try it and you will soon see how little you are squandering and how much you are settling for more. Given this result, our answer would be, yes, whether you stay or go, continue to be your best self indefinitely, no matter what your partner or others around you choose.

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