DEPARTMENT:

Letter
from the Editor

Letter from the Editor

The Right Words

Grieving can be a painful, solitary process. As you watch people you care about adjust to the death of a loved one, you want to comfort them, but don’t know what to do or say.

Shortly after Kapahulu resident Kathy Titchen lost her husband Jack a little over a year ago, a well-meaning acquaintance told her, “You should get a job just to keep busy. Starbucks is hiring.”

Titchen, who penned the story “Surviving the Death of a Spouse,” which appears on page 18 of this issue, said, “This has been a great source of amusement to me and brings up the issue of what to say and what not say to the newly widowed. As a social klutz who never knew what to say myself and usually botched it, I learned fast on the other side of the fence and it’s very simple.”

Here are a few tips—a combination of Titchen’s personal observations and suggestions from bereavement counselors.

Nobody who is bereaved expects anyone else to make the pain go away. You don’t need to worry about that. All you can do is offer empathy, and it will be appreciated. Probably the worst error is to say nothing and ignore the death as if it hadn’t happened.

The right things to say:

First, some version of “I’m sorry to hear of the loss of…”

Second, if you knew the deceased, say something nice about him or her. Bring up a memory. “He was a real help to me on XYZ project” or “I remember the time she testified on the traffic issue and got results.”

Third, offer help—but only if you mean it. Don’t say “I’ll call you” if you don’t intend to do it. Don’t say “Call me if you need anything” because people are proud and won’t. If you do call, be specific.

Suggest lunch, a movie or some activity, then be alert, listen and find out what the survivor needs.

Tom Higa, a retired Verizon installation technician, lost his wife to cancer in 2004. He does volunteer work for St. Francis Hospice and joined a support group there, which he considers his new family. He uses his technical skills to help the widows in the support group with home repairs.

“Some of the ladies never learned to do these things,” he said, “so I help out if the washing machine or ceiling fan breaks.”

What not to say, according to grief counselors:

“I know how you feel.” (You probably don’t.)

“You know it’s for the best.” (It may be, and the family knows that better than anyone; they don’t want to hear that from you.)

“You need to move on.” (In time.)

“You have to get over it.” (Ditto.)

“God needed him or her.” (They’re thinking, We did too.)

Anything that begins with “You should…” or “You shouldn’t…”

Rose Daguio of Aiea became so depressed during her husband Alfred’s last illness seven years ago, a counselor suggested that she try to celebrate each day they had together. This turned Daguio’s thinking around to the point where she and her family now “celebrate everything—birthdays, anniversaries, graduations, promotions, the Super Bowl, most of all being together while we have each other. We celebrate the anniversary of Alfred’s death with a rosary dinner. We say the rosary and we celebrate.”

What better way to incorporate your departed loved one into your life while moving on?

A Different Path

Speaking of moving on, this is the last issue of Generations Hawaii that will carry my name as editor. After guiding the magazine through its first year, I’ve decided to take on new challenges.

I believe I’m leaving Generations Hawaii in a good place. From the 250 survey responses we’ve received, it appears you’re enjoying the publication and finding it to be a valuable resource for “the good life after 50.” It has been a privilege and a pleasure for me to have helped bring it to life.

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