COLUMN:

by Tom Merrill, Ph.D. and Bobbie Sandoz-Merrill, MSW

Let the dating begin

Q: I am 54 and have been divorced for a year following 30 years of marriage. Our marriage was over long before we divorced but I stayed in it for many reasons, some good, some not so good. If I am honest about it, the main reason was that I felt it better to stay in the marriage I had than risk leaving and not being in one at all.

At first, I felt quite alone. My friends are telling me I should start dating, but I haven’t “dated” since I was 24 and do not feel prepared for life as a single person. The whole idea of “dating” makes me anxious.

I have so many questions and do not know where to go for answers. I think I would like to be in a relationship but feel at my age it may be a little late. What do you think?
Thank you, Uncertain

Tom says: You are touching on something that many of us second-halfers have experienced. And many have asked the same questions you are and feel that becoming “re-singled” is painful, difficult and confusing with no road map to guide them.

You have not given us much of your history other than you were in a long-term marriage that you describe as being a short-term success. If it is any consolation, you are one of roughly 100-plus million Americans who self-describe the marriage they are in as unsuccessful. Your worry about “dating” and future relationships is not really surprising. With the failure rate of marriages and your personal experience I would be more surprised if you were not worried.

So, it seems there are two separate questions: Dating… should I or shouldn’t I, and is it too late for me to find the relationship I really want? The answer to the second question is “no.” If you want to be in a relationship, it is not too late for you to find the one you want. But you will have to know what you want in order to know whether you have it.

So, you have a wonderful opportunity here. Few people ever stop to really think in detail about the relationship they want and even fewer are able to clearly articulate that relationship. Doing so will allow you to figure out if someone you are with measures up.

My assumption is that at 54 you are relatively socially conscious and at the least have the rudiments of social etiquette handled, are able to carry on a conversation and have some personal interests. If so, then that is all that is necessary to have a successful date. But it all depends on your definition of a “successful date.”

If you use your time with this person to find out who he is and if he is capable of having the kind of relationship you want, then you will know whether or not he is someone you want to continue dating. He may be a delightful person and make your heart flutter. But if he does not want the same kind of relationship you do, then he is the wrong person.

Bobbie and I write extensively about this in our book, “Settle for More.” Too often we only focus on the heart-fluttering component, thinking that is all that matters, and then struggle in the relationship not knowing why. It may take a while to get to know whether someone really wants what you do and vice versa, but it is time well spent. A successful date then is one that lets you know if this is someone you want to see again, and why…or why not.

Finally, dating offers us a real chance to get to know ourselves and to grow. In the process of becoming acutely aware of the things you want in a relationship you will find a new awareness of and appreciation for who you are and what you stand for. All of this will support you in settling for more in your relationships rather than less.

Bobbie says: You are describing a common anxiety that most people older than 50 feel anytime they find themselves in the position of being single again, due either to a divorce or losing a spouse to death. Interestingly, it is the same anxiety we feel when we are young and dating for the first time.

But the second time, we are more mature and better informed about what makes us happy in a partnership. Unfortunately, our experience also makes us less starry-eyed about our ability to attain the dream relationship. This loss of faith in the dating process is even stronger for people like yourself who did not enjoy an ideal relationship the first time around.

Yet, no matter what our acquired knowledge about partnership is, it won’t do us any good unless we use it, and the divorce statistics for second and third marriages suggest that we don’t.

If we are to counteract the failures this creates, it’s critical that we pay closer attention to our dating experiences as well as look at them in a way that will lead to new results.

To do this, it’s essential not to settle for anything less than what you truly want. One way to do this is to shift your perspective to believe that, contrary to cultural lore, it is not only easier than we think to find an appropriate partner, but that doing so leads to a very special experience. So, I would recommend that you get off the fence about this, take the advice of your friends and “go for it.”

This said, I want you to know that I understand how intimidating the thought of “going for it” might be. But I also understand the reasons why fear nips at our heels the moment we decide to re-engage in dating, especially when we are older than 50. To begin, many of us didn’t like dating the first time around when our bodies and minds were firm, and the thought of entering into such a venture at this age sounds terrifying.

Others feel very much out of the loop of the romantic aspect of life as a result of years of less than thrilling marriages, coupled with busy careers and raising kids. And many of us are afraid we will end up with the wrong person. Yet, if we can find some “right” ones, the other fears often diminish. Here’s how to do it.

When we are young, we ignore the “red flags” that signal unpleasant qualities surfacing in a person we hope might be “the one.” Although dating is designed to uncover such problems, we typically ignore the “flags” in order to protect our feelings of love that were set in motion before we saw these signs. It is only later that those “flags” come back to haunt us, and we wonder why we didn’t take heed when we first noticed them.

It is this common tendency on the part of most people that fails to give the “wrong” people appropriate feedback and thus produces more of them. It also entangles many good people with these difficult partners, creating the impression there are more “bad” guys than good. To address this issue more effectively than you did when you were young, simply stop dating them and move on. They aren’t going to change, and it isn’t fun to hang on or live with those parts you didn’t like from the outset.

Remember that your life is precious … even more precious in the second half … and ignoring the feedback that tells you it’s not a good match is dangerous to your happiness. And now that you are older, you can grasp the enormity of it. Remember instead to invite only the kind of person into your life who can and wants to enhance the remainder of your journey and someone you want to treat in kind.

So, get out of uncertainty and jump into the process. Begin with your list, hold onto your (purple) hat, and enjoy the journey!

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